Identity Crisis?

In the past 4 years, I feel like I’ve found my true identity and lost it all at the same time. Being still relatively new in the motherhood game, things are constantly shifting. Each day is different. Each day brings new emotions, tantrums, trials, and triumphs. Some days I’m not sure what’s up or what’s down.

Hallen was such “the perfect baby,” that I felt like a supermom, a super friend, and super fit. I could conquer all. But, since moving to the Charlotte area, having a miscarriage immediately, getting pregnant with Hazel right away, while trying to settle into a new area, and make friends…I think I just kind of lost myself. Everything was new. Nothing was the same. I no longer had security in familiarity. I no longer had security of self.

In my head, I KNOW that:

-I am the daughter of the King

-I am a wife

-I am a mother

-I am a health nut

-I am an exercise lover

-I am crunchy(ish)

-I am a family girl

-I am a friend

-I am a yoga lover

etc…

Since moving to Charlotte, all of those things have gotten lost, though, it seems. Some days, I don’t even feel like a mother, because I yell too much, and moms aren’t supposed to yell, right?!

But, I feel like I’ve lost my voice. I’ve lost my gumption. I’m just lost. I’ve even blogged about doing things for yourself so you don’t lose yourself (here and here ), but I guess it isn’t always that easy. I still know above all else, I am a mother. That’s my job. I chose this path. It doesn’t make for the best of resumes, but that’s what mine is made up of. I actually told my husband last night, “you canNOT claim the whole ‘we’re in labor’ thing. The most painful stuff gets to go on my resume! I pushed, bled, and got those horrible uterine contractions after they were delivered!”

I digress…I’m also starting to be in a different stage than my friends here now. Most of them are done having children. We aren’t. I don’t know when we will be. So, now , my friends have more independent children, and they can spend a little more time on themselves. I can see the spark of “them” coming back. They have time to exercise, garden, go on more dates, not worry about pumping enough if they leave over night, go on a run with no stroller, etc. And when I see that, I can’t say that I’m not envious. A little more freedom is exhilarating, right?! And I do miss being known as the one to come to for exercise and health questions. Now no one sees me as that person. From the outside looking in, I’m just the mother. And as much as that stings my ego, being a mother is truly all I ever wanted. So how do I sit in that contentment that THIS…my screaming, crazy babies are all I’ve ever wanted?

When I sit down, and really think about it, maybe it’s okay to be just the mother right now. Maybe my ego needed to be torn down so I could see what was truly important in my life.

I thought I didn’t get caught in the comparison trap anymore. I honestly thought I was out of that phase of my life. You always hear about people telling you to be careful at looking at social media, because it’s not as it seems. Well, that’s not what gets me. My side hustle IS social media, so I understand not getting caught up in that. I think it’s the people who I’m closest to…the people who I love and respect the most…that I get caught in the comparison trap with.  Once I see a friend doing something for themselves or “good” with their life, I automatically think, “How do I get there? Should I be doing something to make more money? Should I be doing that? They’re so lucky! I can never catch a break! When will it be my turn? Am I going to be stuck here forever?” And then it’s just a rabbit trail of negativity. Not towards them, but towards the path I’m on…the one that the Lord chose for me and my family. How awful is that to say it out loud?

And I’m not writing this with any solution I’ve found to getting out of the comparison trap. I’ve been practicing more thankfulness and how to better myself in my role as a mother, and that’s definitely helped, but I can still easily get pulled back to the negativity. This is just where I am right now. Learning that I don’t need to be defined by a label. Labels don’t create love. Labels create walls…whether it’s in ourselves or between one another.

So, I don’t know if you’re kind of going through the same thing in your life right now or not. Maybe you’re in it. Maybe you’re the woman who’s children are growing up and actually wondering who you’ll be when they don’t need you so much. I think it’s important that we all do self check ups every now and then to make sure we know our worth no matter what stage we are in life, and to make sure we aren’t trying to live up to someone else’s life. If we’re constantly wondering how to get where someone else is going, we’re never going to see all the great things right under our nose…or in our hands.